Wahida Mohammed Zai

Content Warning: Sexualized and gender-based violence, blood. Please take care!

I was not scared of dying when the Taliban marched into Kabul in the summer of 2021. Death had already been part of my life for a long time. But I was scared of being tortured. The Taliban arrested a lot of women – demonstrators and women who had worked for the government or international organisations – and they tortured and raped most of them.

That was what I was scared of. And I was scared they would do something to my family. After all, it was well known that I had been fighting for the rights of women and a just society for more than 15 years.  

After more than 20 years in exile in Pakistan with my parents, in September 2005 I had returned to Kabul. I was 24 years old and had just completed my medical degree. I soon found a job in a hospital. This is where I met an employee of medica mondiale who was assisting some of my patients. I was immediately convinced by what she told me about her work. And in November 2005 I started to work for the same organisation, as Program Coordinator.   

We were like a family. We experienced the discrimination faced by women every day in our homes, in our country. We experienced how important our work was.

And we worked very hard - all of us: Nabila, Masiha, Sajia …    

It was not easy. In the morning we often did not know whether we would see our families again in the evening. I can still hear the deafening noise of exploding bombs. In spite of all this, I was happy. I was able to work, be with my family, and build up my country.    

After several years I took up a new job at the United States Agency for International Development (USAID). Their office was opposite the parliament building. At the time my daughter was only a few months old, so I took her to work with me every morning. Together with another female colleague we had arranged for childcare.   

On June 22, 2015, I was sitting at my desk. It was hot and I had taken off my shoes. A huge explosion shook our building, shattering windowpanes. A car bomb had exploded in front of Parliament, destroying everything. I ran faster than I had ever run along the corridor to the room where my daughter was playing.   

I will never forget the moment I saw her, unharmed. She was so small. I took her in my arms and rushed with the childminder and my colleague’s baby to join the other staff. Outside, shots rang out, sirens blared and there was smoke everywhere.   

After ten minutes I noticed red patches on the white tiles and said: “Somebody has been injured.” But it was my blood. A shard of glass had cut into my bare foot without me noticing.

“Salute to you, Dr. Zai”, said a colleague. “We saw you running along the corridors. We are men, but we were in hiding.” I replied: “Well, I am a mother.” 

That project ended in 2018 and afterwards I became the first female Director of the Ministry of Finance for Kabul Province. I had 70 people working for me. And I had a lot of enemies – because I wanted to fight corruption. Also, I was a woman, and any woman who worked for the government was considered by many people to be a bad woman. Good women are quiet and gentle. I was never quiet or gentle.   

When the Taliban took over Kabul, I became a refugee in my own country. They came to my office, beat my assistants, asked where I was. But my team remained loyal to me. Nobody betrayed me. For reasons of security we moved every night – sleeping at friends, cousins, aunts ...  

We were lucky. My husband, my daughter and I were among the first people who could be evacuated thanks to medica mondiale. But now I am a refugee for the second time in my life and I have to start from the beginning again. That needs a lot of strength.  

I would love to return home, but I really do not see how this could happen. Afghanistan is not safe. Not for women, of course. But not for the men, either. They are also prohibited from raising their voice to criticise the Taliban. Nonetheless, sometimes I do wonder what would happen if all the men joined forces against the Taliban. Maybe they could achieve something. It was only women who protested in the streets. Where were the fathers? The brothers? The husbands? Why are they not defending their women?